Tonight whilst I was sitting in the back of my Uber home from work a thought dawned on me; it was neither good nor bad, rather– true. As I made idle chit chat with the man I’ll probably never see again, something about the moment in time created a sense of unease. I had to turn inward and find my center more than once as I felt the mounting choke of panic radiate like a disease from my chest. Into my throat. Perhaps it was the interest the driver took in me. Perhaps it was the almost transgressive topic of children that awoken the anxious beast within me. I don’t know, but in that moment I felt vulnerable. I realized in that moment that I had no control. I got in the car with a stranger, and anything could happen. 

As we passed a throng of people getting out of Synagogue, I saw the red and blue flashing lights of a state trooper. The sky was pregnant with evening, and the lights were dancing over the hoods of vehicles, (tick, tick.) I was having a candid conversation about my problems with a person I did not know, and I did not know the outcome. I sat with bated breath as we made our way through the traffic to Cleveland Circle. He dropped me at the CVS and not knowing what to do, I went inside. 

I didn’t need to pick anything up, I just told him that’s where I was going because he asked me where I lived. Through the doors, I meandered down the isles; Halloween decorations are out in full force, reminding me of the impending, never ending (thankless) holiday season… I went over to the magazine section and briefly perused the selection, silently judging the overly photoshopped covers. “This is society. We all know Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t look that good.” I thought.

I left after what seemed like an adequate amount of time, hoping the uber driver was gone. I don’t know why he wouldn’t be. Turns out he was, and I’m probably just paranoid. The thing is, you don’t know. I’ve been a specter in this city since I moved here, my daily exchanges are most frequently had with strangers. They remain strangers, and I slip away in search of the next ephemeral encounter. 

Something that’s been eating at me: Career-wise

I’ve held a position with my current employer for years… I love the overall message the company portrays and the philanthropic nature and all that, but I’ve come to realize that the overall marketing tactics of the company have started to become outdated. I’ve met with the CEO and discussed at length our competition, which is an infantile brand with very similar selling tactics, among more established brands. Its an international company that seems to have trouble breaking into the American market in a way that other international brands have. Having used the products for years, I am a devoted customer as well as an advocate and brand ambassador.  

That being said, I feel like the company I advocate does not advocate or publicly accept the people I personally know would love and embrace the culture of the brand. I have been confined to aesthetic requirements of my employer for years, and though I do not feel like it is in any way malicious or due to lack of respect, I feel as though they are missing the mark. Beauty comes in many different colors, and not all of them are natural. Beauty can be the art you showcase on your fingernails, or the color you choose to make your hair. There are beautiful people with body art from head to toe, and I do believe a luxury brand can showcase that without compromising their overall target. 

I find it personally strange for me, that I am considered an expert in these things when I feel like I have to tame my personality and simplify it to fit the  mold of “natural” my brand embodies. Why can’t people who adorn their body with polish, or pigments or ink be advocates for natural, humane products? Why can we not traverse the social aspects of appearance, thus catering to a larger luxury seeking demographic? At the end of the day, I work for a business, and numbers are the metric. Being accepting of all walks is crucial to widespread success. Allowing a polished degree of individual expression can speak volumes to your brand culture, and that in turn speaks volumes to your consumer.

Take for example High fashion. Haute couture is glamour and theatre and avant garde. The haus’s are looked at with the highest esteem, through the decades. Acceptance and exposure have made this so. They are still the forefront of trend forecasting and emulation. Why can’t natural beauty brands be the same? The numbers would jump exponentially, at least in my mind. Markets would be tapped.

I wish I could express my whole self in my current position. I don’t want my occupation to dictate whether or not I get a new tattoo or a funky hair cut or color. It’s the 21st century, and this preconceived ideal of the “model ____, ______, _____” (citizen, face, client, etc) needs to end. Ultimately, successful business caters to the INDIVIDUAL… and there is no model for that. 


Just my two cents.

I Think I’ll move to Boston

You guys remember that song? Who sings it? 

Well whatever. I moved to Boston. I’ve been here a little over a month now and that’s the tune that kinda describes my life. I literally started over. I have no friends here, and I’m a loner to the bone-er. It’s been a really interesting experience thus far– part of me aches for the comfort of familiarity, but a larger part of me knows that there is nothing for me looking backwards. Sure, my friends are down South, but in reality they’re pretty scattered geographically. Sure, I could tell you how to get anywhere from any possible route in Charlotte, but roads can be learned. 

I’m living in a one bedroom apartment that costs roughly $1500 a month, the only people I know are the people I’m in charge of, and I’ve done everything alone. It’s pretty crazy to think that in the past month, I’ve driven up the east coast in 2 days (again, alone,) stayed in a sketchy motel, argued with movers, met a broker, got a parking violation, got towed for street cleaning, went to the DMV and switched my license over, plates, insurance, went to city hall to pay said tickets and get a resident sticker etc, all while working full time. I don’t really understand how I’ve managed to do this all by myself. It’s crazy to me that a few months ago I wanted so badly to leave, but fear held me back. 

Now here I am, still unsure, but a lot less scared. I have no idea what the future may bring, but I’ve lived and learned that if you really want something, even if you’re not exactly sure why or how, it’ll happen when you least expect it. It’s been a lonely time, but I know that there is a deep life lesson to come from this solitude I’m experiencing at present. I know that I’ll walk out of this chapter of my life a fuller, better version of the person I want to be, because I am forced to keep myself company. I’m very excited to see where this path will lead. 

(I still miss my friends though.)

Unaccompanied cello suite No. 1 in G major: [retrospective]

I just can’t bring myself to do anything today except listen to music and think about the past. I’m about to cook dinner for a guy I barely know, and I’m trying to bring my mood back up before he comes over. It’s so amazing how one song on a playlist can open a floodgate of emotions and memories that has been quartered off for so long.. and spark this intense introspective analysis of one’s life. I’m struggling with decisions I need to make now, struggling with past decisions was not something I anticipated today. 

I know I’m hard on myself, but it doesn’t stop my disappointment that I let nostalgia get in the way of things I wanted to do today. And thus begins the vicious cycle I ensnare myself with oh-so-often; I haven’t done enough. Today, yesterday, two years ago. I need to let go. I’m about to have wine with a really nice guy and watch Miyazaki films and carry on. Why then am I in this mood? I’m the hardest person in the world for myself to please and it’s so exhausting. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. 

I don’t know when this happened, when I became my own worst enemy, but it has. I don’t know where this unattainable greatness complex sprouted from, but I want to weed it out. When did I start building castles in the sky?

Excuse me for being the most angsty, difficult person on this fucking planet.

hiatus break

it seems as though for my mental sanity I’ve strayed away from posting anything other than an occasional reblog for some time. In an ironic twist of fate, here I am again breaking this hiatus for the same reason.

Since I’ve graduated college it’s been a whirlwind of changes… The job market blows, relationships blow, being an adult with no structured curricula kinda blows. I’m struggling with finding my place. I have friends still in school, but at my age I’m trying to carve out a spot in the “real world” for little old me. The rejection letters pile up, while my search for stable work in my field grows more frantic. My loans have come due (thanks, sabbatical!) and my thoughts are borderline obsessive regarding finances and future nest eggs. 

All the while I’m trying to stoke and tend my creative fires. It’s really difficult. 

The community I had in school has been divided, as people continue their education in the secluded bubble of academia, or venture out into the unknown to get er done. I’m single (again) and dealing with the whole “mutual friends being crucial circle” bullshit, too. With that whole thing, I’m realizing a year too late why I was so DL about that tryst.. because now I’m trying with all my might to exercise the damage control it’s necessitated in my network. I should have known not to shit where I sleep. 

I am treading water in the tides of change and it’s really becoming a sink or swim situation. I know major life changes have been thrust upon me in the past four months, and I know I need to keep my chin up and figure out how to ride the next wave. I just hope life gets a little easier. I don’t want to be jaded or cynical forever, and I don’t want to constantly dread the horizon. 

I guess at 24, this all seems a little trite, but I’m a no nonsense kind of person. The rug has been ripped from beneath me, and I’m essentially starting over as a little, tiny goldfish in a huuuuuge ocean (which is funny because I’m pretty sure goldfish are fresh water creatures.) 

mon dieu!