I just can’t bring myself to do anything today except listen to music and think about the past. I’m about to cook dinner for a guy I barely know, and I’m trying to bring my mood back up before he comes over. It’s so amazing how one song on a playlist can open a floodgate of emotions and memories that has been quartered off for so long.. and spark this intense introspective analysis of one’s life. I’m struggling with decisions I need to make now, struggling with past decisions was not something I anticipated today.
I know I’m hard on myself, but it doesn’t stop my disappointment that I let nostalgia get in the way of things I wanted to do today. And thus begins the vicious cycle I ensnare myself with oh-so-often; I haven’t done enough. Today, yesterday, two years ago. I need to let go. I’m about to have wine with a really nice guy and watch Miyazaki films and carry on. Why then am I in this mood? I’m the hardest person in the world for myself to please and it’s so exhausting. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me.
I don’t know when this happened, when I became my own worst enemy, but it has. I don’t know where this unattainable greatness complex sprouted from, but I want to weed it out. When did I start building castles in the sky?
Excuse me for being the most angsty, difficult person on this fucking planet.
it seems as though for my mental sanity I’ve strayed away from posting anything other than an occasional reblog for some time. In an ironic twist of fate, here I am again breaking this hiatus for the same reason.
Since I’ve graduated college it’s been a whirlwind of changes… The job market blows, relationships blow, being an adult with no structured curricula kinda blows. I’m struggling with finding my place. I have friends still in school, but at my age I’m trying to carve out a spot in the “real world” for little old me. The rejection letters pile up, while my search for stable work in my field grows more frantic. My loans have come due (thanks, sabbatical!) and my thoughts are borderline obsessive regarding finances and future nest eggs.
All the while I’m trying to stoke and tend my creative fires. It’s really difficult.
The community I had in school has been divided, as people continue their education in the secluded bubble of academia, or venture out into the unknown to get er done. I’m single (again) and dealing with the whole “mutual friends being crucial circle” bullshit, too. With that whole thing, I’m realizing a year too late why I was so DL about that tryst.. because now I’m trying with all my might to exercise the damage control it’s necessitated in my network. I should have known not to shit where I sleep.
I am treading water in the tides of change and it’s really becoming a sink or swim situation. I know major life changes have been thrust upon me in the past four months, and I know I need to keep my chin up and figure out how to ride the next wave. I just hope life gets a little easier. I don’t want to be jaded or cynical forever, and I don’t want to constantly dread the horizon.
I guess at 24, this all seems a little trite, but I’m a no nonsense kind of person. The rug has been ripped from beneath me, and I’m essentially starting over as a little, tiny goldfish in a huuuuuge ocean (which is funny because I’m pretty sure goldfish are fresh water creatures.)