You guys remember that song? Who sings it?
Well whatever. I moved to Boston. I’ve been here a little over a month now and that’s the tune that kinda describes my life. I literally started over. I have no friends here, and I’m a loner to the bone-er. It’s been a really interesting experience thus far— part of me aches for the comfort of familiarity, but a larger part of me knows that there is nothing for me looking backwards. Sure, my friends are down South, but in reality they’re pretty scattered geographically. Sure, I could tell you how to get anywhere from any possible route in Charlotte, but roads can be learned.
I’m living in a one bedroom apartment that costs roughly $1500 a month, the only people I know are the people I’m in charge of, and I’ve done everything alone. It’s pretty crazy to think that in the past month, I’ve driven up the east coast in 2 days (again, alone,) stayed in a sketchy motel, argued with movers, met a broker, got a parking violation, got towed for street cleaning, went to the DMV and switched my license over, plates, insurance, went to city hall to pay said tickets and get a resident sticker etc, all while working full time. I don’t really understand how I’ve managed to do this all by myself. It’s crazy to me that a few months ago I wanted so badly to leave, but fear held me back.
Now here I am, still unsure, but a lot less scared. I have no idea what the future may bring, but I’ve lived and learned that if you really want something, even if you’re not exactly sure why or how, it’ll happen when you least expect it. It’s been a lonely time, but I know that there is a deep life lesson to come from this solitude I’m experiencing at present. I know that I’ll walk out of this chapter of my life a fuller, better version of the person I want to be, because I am forced to keep myself company. I’m very excited to see where this path will lead.
(I still miss my friends though.)
I just can’t bring myself to do anything today except listen to music and think about the past. I’m about to cook dinner for a guy I barely know, and I’m trying to bring my mood back up before he comes over. It’s so amazing how one song on a playlist can open a floodgate of emotions and memories that has been quartered off for so long.. and spark this intense introspective analysis of one’s life. I’m struggling with decisions I need to make now, struggling with past decisions was not something I anticipated today.
I know I’m hard on myself, but it doesn’t stop my disappointment that I let nostalgia get in the way of things I wanted to do today. And thus begins the vicious cycle I ensnare myself with oh-so-often; I haven’t done enough. Today, yesterday, two years ago. I need to let go. I’m about to have wine with a really nice guy and watch Miyazaki films and carry on. Why then am I in this mood? I’m the hardest person in the world for myself to please and it’s so exhausting. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me.
I don’t know when this happened, when I became my own worst enemy, but it has. I don’t know where this unattainable greatness complex sprouted from, but I want to weed it out. When did I start building castles in the sky?
Excuse me for being the most angsty, difficult person on this fucking planet.
it seems as though for my mental sanity I’ve strayed away from posting anything other than an occasional reblog for some time. In an ironic twist of fate, here I am again breaking this hiatus for the same reason.
Since I’ve graduated college it’s been a whirlwind of changes… The job market blows, relationships blow, being an adult with no structured curricula kinda blows. I’m struggling with finding my place. I have friends still in school, but at my age I’m trying to carve out a spot in the “real world” for little old me. The rejection letters pile up, while my search for stable work in my field grows more frantic. My loans have come due (thanks, sabbatical!) and my thoughts are borderline obsessive regarding finances and future nest eggs.
All the while I’m trying to stoke and tend my creative fires. It’s really difficult.
The community I had in school has been divided, as people continue their education in the secluded bubble of academia, or venture out into the unknown to get er done. I’m single (again) and dealing with the whole “mutual friends being crucial circle” bullshit, too. With that whole thing, I’m realizing a year too late why I was so DL about that tryst.. because now I’m trying with all my might to exercise the damage control it’s necessitated in my network. I should have known not to shit where I sleep.
I am treading water in the tides of change and it’s really becoming a sink or swim situation. I know major life changes have been thrust upon me in the past four months, and I know I need to keep my chin up and figure out how to ride the next wave. I just hope life gets a little easier. I don’t want to be jaded or cynical forever, and I don’t want to constantly dread the horizon.
I guess at 24, this all seems a little trite, but I’m a no nonsense kind of person. The rug has been ripped from beneath me, and I’m essentially starting over as a little, tiny goldfish in a huuuuuge ocean (which is funny because I’m pretty sure goldfish are fresh water creatures.)